Don't Make This Easy

there's something(several somethings) in my life that i need to change..i just haven't figured it out yet...

they taste like burnt popcorn.....
but it gets you blitz'd!

"accidents happen, there's one planned today"

The Strokes at Cornell tomorrow, September 17th.

slash wrists, not tires...

feelin' it?
word.

all i do is gobble pain killers and lay in my bed.
i might(always) make it to my computer to check my myspace..it's usually a pretty sad story.
i eat a lot of food and manage to wake up for a breafast consisting of a hyrodco and a cigarette. i'm really killing any chance i have of being healthy.
i'm fed up with the pills though. such a beat drug. i have no respect for people that get addicted to pills. numb is only fun for awhile. i have a hard enough time trying to interact with people as is. i've gotten a few phone calls and they usually hang up on me when they realize that it is nearly impossible for me to put sentances together in a constructive manner. i can't help it..
i haven't had a visitor yet, but i'm not sure i really want any of my friends to see me in this state.
i like to entertain, and right now i can't even entertain myself..

on another note, i was told that somebody likes me.
that's always a joy to hear.
too bad it could never happen..too fucking bad.

i wouldn't say i'm depressed. i was for a bit, but now it's just me being fed up with not doing anything but taking medication that makes me feel completly numb.
i have about six more days of this, and then i should be able to at least see the outside world...i'm considering making a chain of linked paper. six links is kindof a waste of paper i guess..
plus i'm out of construction paper.
what are the odds?

i've been exercising lately..
i've learned running away from my problems is a great way to stay in shape.

i'm trying to over-dose on something..
i'm hoping it's sleep.

i don't see myself leaving my bed for the next few days..
i see myself keeping it around.

i hope you made the healthiest choice..
i know you didn't, but until you figure it out, we can always hope.

i'm in the wrong..
that doesn't put you in the right though.

how can i hate college when it's not watkins?
something catches my eye every other day to make me somewhat cold about this place.
i'm sorry for this entry.
but if i wrote it any other way it wouldn't of existed.
don't worry.
happyness on the way.
someone needs to put a fucking bottle next to my computer screen if they want some happy shit.

ariana and i have seperated for the time being..i have to go to college and i thought it was for the best...what do i know?
when did i learn all of this?
i don't think i did.
i think i'm all talk.
i think i know nothing.
knowing that, will start my journey to knowing everything...

waiting for grassroots.
trying to scrap by without a job until next month.
keep tight with old friends before distance kills relationships.
maintain.
figure out how to make skating easy again.
skate.
start being....healthy?
really figure out what i want in this town and in these people..
preferably before i leave.
all in all
be comfortable with myself and my situation, along with keeping everyone around me in a
safe,
protected,
unhurtful place ..can't we all be happy?

meet me half way..

am i drunk?
yes
do i love LOVE her?
yes
will i do anything to protect her?
yes
am i drunk?
very much so yes

this is the most funtional i've ever been with alcohol in my body and i love it.
i can see what i want, and i know that it's true...

i got home after a party containing exactly 8 people. i got shit from my rents, and i hope it all blows over. it was chill, and i was looking for this scene for a while. this music is really making me feel exactly how i want to feel..sufjan knows me better than i..
i brought up a peach snapple tea(including a fun fact, where i obtain most of my knowledge) as well as a trix cearal bar(famous from ariannna's abode(im pretty sure they were created in that household)) and i refuse to take this goodness in..i'll let the beer and cicigarettes linger in my mouth for my slumber.fuck this cd is good...come on feel the illinoiseeee!
my face is literally melting into my hand.
i might read this and think i'm a jackass later..i might realize hwo perfect my life is right now too.
it's a tough call.
i've never appriciated my life as much as right now. i wish everyone could feel this way.
i feel like something bad will happen.
it usually does. but i'll love this time right now..
words capture more than realized.
i wont reflect anymore.

Goals
- grow out my charles manson haircut(possible)
- pick this scab off my finger(possible)
- get on my skateboard as soon as possible(unlikely)
- figure out how to go about my shit in a sophisticated manner(not happening)

i'm a little on edge. i'm worried my doctors appointment won't go in my favor.. it never has.
i need to either learn how to not give a shit, or be able to fix everything..ever...including depression, relationships, and cancer. those seem to be the tough ones.
hopefully my weekend plans work out. i'm feeling a heavy drinking friday. chain smoking included..
i've been feeling like i've been living my life on people's borrowed time. like i'm always an inconvenience.
i'll drink it off tomorrow.

it's been awhile..i feel like i'm writting in an old composition book. i don't dare look back on previous entries right now. it's too late in the day. i'm finding it hard to sleep as is..
i've got some music going and the lights shut off, and this alone is usually enough to get me to pass out instantly...i usually don't even need that much. it's just one of those nights when i have thoughts in my head.
i can't find my way through my situations. i'm pissed i can't figure out what's happening around me. i can't even come up with logical answers to what's going on. i'm just interacting with something too new to me. i just can't control anything.
i can't even go skateboarding and take my mind of my mind. it's ridiculously hard to not be able to practice my passion. and it will be quite awhile without my only way to express myself the way i want to be expressed. i do alright i guess, but that's only because of ariana, and when something happens to her, or if there is anything upset in that department, then i'm fuck'd. i can't not be dependable on her right now. i wont be so needy when i can actually move around without being scared my leg might give out. it's just a really fuck'd situation...
it's one of the best and worste times of my present life.. i lost something i loved, and gained someone i love. i can't help these random moods when it seems like the only thing i have could be at jepordy. maybe i'm selfish. maybe i should just take what i get...that just seems like a bitch move.. i think i could argue this all day. i don't know when i'll be sleeping tonight...this cd isn't helping.
it is alittle..
it's not going well tonight...
i can feel my face sag..
i'm not well...
but it is all me.
i hope i don't screw up the only respectful thing going on in my life.

bad habits can wait for my new year's resolution..i'm all moody and shit.

i started this journal as me quiting smoking..i've noticed that i have somehow picked it back up over this era of my life.well, i quit again 2 days ago.i don't think i'll start unless i find myself depressed...which can very easily happen.we'll see..

i can't read people...at all...

i'm going to start this entry the best way i know...
basically, what i'm sayin'....now that that's out of the way, i am free to go off on this epic/ridiculous saturday..
i'll set the mood..saturday night.bored out of our skulls.what to do?

what we had:
angela bringing the energy drinks(which eventually led to the end of us).
emily bringing the sketchiest, beatest 'festival' eveerr.
oates bringing the car, weed, hypage, and half the beer.
and this kid bringing nothing to the table at all...

the night was pretty all over the place.some memorable occasions included sketchball festival that held about 40 burnouts and 4 teenagers very snuggly. after that, we managed to almost get caught smoking on school property on a huge wooden playground..some may refer to this as 'The Wooden Playground'.then we jet over to angelos, who isn't even in the same state. bout 20 kids(no joke) piled into his backyard, and took beer run orders. at the end of it, oates and me ended up watching a bunch of 21 year olds drink in the woods for no reason talking about sports..we figured we were out of our leauge, so we went back to her wagon, where we spent a goodgood portion of the day in, and had a little clambake session, and turn'd the whole back of the car into a gnarly bed. after all of it, just thinking of the wagon, i had a pretty good saturday night, that i can look back on and laugh...a lot...we are stock'd for next weekend fer sure.as long as molly's sister doesn't get into out labatte.

yeahhh.fin
ish'd

hokay.got back from the adirondacks a few days ago..lemme go off on that..lemme?..love me like a reptile?..i'll stop.

soo, its a family tradition to go to the adirondacks with my family and relatives at the end of the summer.phil redfield happens to be in that boat, which makes the woods amazing.phil brought a pack of newps up(15 to be exact in a matter of 7 days) which brought up more drama then anything..you'd think we were in outerspace questioning if we were eating too much of the food stock'd for the year we were drifting...that is not over the top at all..that's dead fucking on.we're funny/pathetic like that.
what else?a lot of board games went down too..me and phil swept up..and some bets were placed on a few games..phil- i want my damn cookie(*ijtnvf!)
enchanted forest was phenominal, of course! lazy river took up most of are time.. we didn't even make it to the back of the park.now that i think of it, as easily as phil pulls team america throw up sessions, he never threw up at enchanted forest.....which is kindof sad. i could totally see phil racing me in a slide and then throwing up upon inpact of water..that's playing out in my head, and me likey..
more? lets talk about cruising old forge skateboard wise hauling ass! ima hype phil's rep up, even though not one skateboarder, besides phil, reads this shit...he pull'd some sick shit.we bombed a hill in a small town and he had a flock of 14 yearolds watching him, jaw down to the ground in awe of his styleyness..if phil grew a beard and learned how to cut down trees and kill bears, he'd have a flock of wood-hotness.alright.i know cooler shit went down, but drugs will tire your mind's capacity out...so true..and with that,

done.


ps! totally forgot the most amazingly aweful/hysterical/pathetic/worthless haunted house ever! it was all of that. it had bad acting, bad mechanics, and zero depth..we(my mom, sister, phil, and i-somehow) were real hyped on it when the biggest, burlyest guy ever comes out shouting 'totallly worth the money!'.shafted big time..

*inside joke thats not very funny

summer pick'd right the shit back up.this past thursday through saturday i spent at phil's house/linear park.one of the best visits in my life to the rockchester area..the trip was full of stoges, church hangouts, and liza action..whats not to love?
so,where to begin? i'll get liza out of the way, because i know that's not what phil wants to read about..(sorry liza!i'll make it good<33)..hokay.basically, thursday night...that's all i need to say there..just a beautiful night!
moving along, everynight held a park session for us. noteable meetings include scott, trish, kath, kath's amazing dog,brendan,and brian..all chill fellows..
there isn't much to say. actually, this trip held the least amount of sketch situations ever..usually we hit up every possible scenerio. i guess im hokay with this, just kindof strange for us..i'm sure the 'dacks will pay us back..which brings me to how gnar the 'dacks will be this year..phil and i will hit up the computer at the library every posible hour to check his myspace, and pitty mine..
but i miss the 'chester scene already.hopefully i'll be back soon..

p.s.tim sweeney miss'd me, and that is bullshit...
p.s.(part deux)someone give that dog a frito and hug for me.

shit im spent.i hope i impressed my two readers. _james

summer is drawing to a near, and as sad as i am to say that, i'm ever sadder that i used that phrase....

i just can't seem to get something to work out, and that makes me fear things happen presently...hopefully, it will all work out.but when has that ever happen'd?

right now, i'm just hoping for the best, and trying to power through anything that gets me down.i'd like to say i've had a lot of help with that, but only few people effect my life, and most of them live in rockchester,which doesn't do me much good, but i'll take it.

well i feel it's time to cut another deal with my 'rents..it seems that i always have to bribe them to get anywhere.....fuck.i just realized i dont have a license..fuckkkkkk..alright, writting in this has made me realize shit i wasn't ready to realize, so i'm stepping awayyy.

<333

just when i start to think that summer might be dying down, it picks right back up...this is basically the best summer/time period/era of my life.

basically, i've met one person who is actually unique, and i'm pretty hype'd on that.i'm not much for openess, so it's nice to have someone to actually lead the way and hold my hand..call it bitterness of previous experiences, call it bitterness in general, i still feel great, and this feeling is making it ridiculously hard to sleep.i'm happy that this thought would keep me up rather then thoughts of school, and books, and work, and giving a shit about what i'm suppose to be giving a shit about...summer has free'd my mind from logic, and i can gladly say, it's fucking glorious.i'm done with trying to figure shit out fer good.thank you.

m'out to find that girl in mah dreams! <333

grassroots went down hardcore...21st to the 24th.if you didn't go, i am sorry, and make sure you don't miss it again, or you'll hate yourself forever...JBB was soosoo good..i liked oculus, but some didn't with the line up change.guitarist is still great...well, i'm gonna go feel good...i got an open spot in mah tent next year..there is my offer..laterrrrrrererrrer

let me go off on a subject.....

what i'd like to see less of in skateboarding:
_high production movies...'Grind' was fucking horrible...
_extravagent videogames...first few,okay. now he has a new one for every kid he has.
_ridiculous tech.
_shoes designed by NASA
_preaching...in general...
_transworld. articals are shit, and anti smoking ads just make me want to light up.

what i'd like to see more of in skateboarding:
_food sponsors...i'd definitely choose combos over tensor
_groupies
_kids enjoying themselves
_style...i dont like to be able to tell what town you are from by the way you skate...